So It's Been About a Year, Huh?

Before I get on with the business of posting this and that, I feel I should say something about where I've been all this time. Not that explanations are necessary, but I'm hoping someone might find it helpful, if not interesting, to know what's been going on with me.

In retrospect, I realize that I started this blog while on my way down. Down to where, you ask? That would be the emotional pit. The dark side. Depression. When I wrote my last post in September I was at the point of trying my third or fourth medication in as many months, a process that was tiring, fraught with problems and depressing in its own right. I had nothing left to give and didn't really want to share anything of myself once that point was reached.

Just to refresh the memory of anyone who doesn't know this about me, I've dealt with depression for a long time. It probably began when I reached puberty but I didn't get help until I was nearly 40 years old. I was under the impression that life was supposed to be that hard! If I could just figure out how to be like everyone else--- all those people who seemed to have wonderful, perfect lives--- then I would be happy, right? I just needed to make sure everything was like it needed to be for that to happen. I had to do everything right. Then…when I got it right at last, I would be happy! Or failing that, when this or that or some other thing happened….THEN I would be happy. It was always a moving target that I set up for myself, and I was never going to be anything but miserable if that was my only chance for living in peace. Living like that wears you down until there’s little of YOU left.

The process of getting well started when I was 38, but I didn't really find what worked best for me until a few years later. Medication in combination with therapy helped me to finally feel like myself for the first time in years. I had such good results that I was eventually able to go off the medication (I tried MANY kinds before one worked) and did really well for a while. But over the past three years, life events have come along that were very difficult for me to deal with. I won't list those here, but just know that shit happened and it wasn't pretty. Stress ruled once again, and when that happens you don't always realize you're beginning to slide. It can be a very gradual and insidious process.

By the time I realized what was happening, I was really depressed. I finally admitted to myself that things weren’t right and went to see my doctor. Let me tell you this; if you're not depressed before you try loads of medications that don't work, you will be afterward! No, I'm just kidding about that, but it's a good idea to go into this process knowing it may take awhile. Even though it's a difficult time, you've got to be patient. One of the first medications I tried on my return trip caused me to have panic attacks, something I'd never experienced before. Yet another caused me to gain weight, which always makes a girl feel better. Both made my mood worse than it was to begin with. My excellent psychiatrist (who I see only for medication management) asked me to see a friend of his for a consultation. He wasn't sure what the next step should be, so I agreed to see this man who turned out to be very insightful and provided some new, helpful suggestions. He said I've got a sensitivity to medication as well as a variation of treatment-resistant depression (no shit, Sherlock) but felt he knew of a few meds that might be helpful, one of which may be “the one”. OK, so the first one I tried was the bitch that made me gain weight and want to sleep all the time, but some people get along well with it! I know someone who takes it and has had a wonderful result. After that debacle and the earlier incident of drug-induced panic attacks, I was beginning to think the pit of despair wasn't as bad as medication hell and refused to try his second suggestion. I had the holidays to get through, and I had no desire to play the star guinea pig in my Christmas Pageant. My doctor agreed to a break as long as I stayed in touch and promised to try the next medication soon.

I was able to hold out for three months before I finally gave in. Mike was sort of begging me to try something by that time, seeing how miserable I was. And I need to say here that I've never, ever, been suicidal but I was experiencing a real sense of hopelessness and drudgery on waking every day, and that's no way to live. This was clear evidence of a chemical imbalance run amok. It was time to face my fears and find a way out.

At the beginning of January, I bit the bullet and tried the second recommended medication. It was something new and different from a family of meds I'd never tried before. I'm happy to report that it works really, really well for me! It allows me to be myself, and that's the best result I could hope for; because if I can be myself, without the weird mood fluctuations, life can be a much more pleasurable and manageable existence. I have bad days like anyone else, but for the most part, I'm doing better than ever. Good news, huh?

After seven months of feeling better I began thinking about the blog I'd left behind. It was hard for me to come here and read the posts I'd written during that time before things got really bad, because now I can see the signs and it brings back the feelings that were beginning to gnaw at me. I considered deleting it all and starting over again but decided against it. After all, there’s nothing to fear here. All of it is part of the whole Me, complicated soul that I am! I'm going to leave it as it is and just move on. I did go back and fix the broken links, though, just in case anyone wants to use them.

I'm not sure how things will play out here, but I hope to continue sharing parts of myself and writing about my experiences. You may not be able to tell a big difference between the new stuff and the old stuff, but don't worry about that! I always tried to give my best here, even when I wasn't feeling in good form. To my own detriment, I made sure I presented a good face to the world even when I was feeling bluer than blue, but you can only do that for so long. I'm happy to be here now in much better form.


We'll see how it goes! At the moment I've been sick for a month with the virus from hell, not to mention I perforated both eardrums on a flight from Kansas City to Chicago last month. I think I'm finally feeling like I might live, and it sounds as if I'll be able to fly again in a few weeks (that was in question) when I travel to Los Angeles to see Josh and Katie.

Life is difficult sometimes. Believe me when I say that this simple fact is not worth struggling against. When we begin dwelling on the unfairness of it all, or question why shit happens, it only serves to make life more difficult than it needs to be. Life will never be trouble-free. God forbid we choose to dwell under the impression that it's up to us to achieve some sort of perfect existence in order to be happy, because that will surely send a person into the depths of despair. But if we can all learn to let go and just enjoy the ride for what it is, we'll be much happier and more able to live fully through life’s unavoidable pain as well as the joy that's sure to follow---and everything in between.

All is well.

I'm Back

Post to follow. In the meantime, feel free to dance.

Try To Remember

Try to remember the kind of September
When life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
When you were a tender and callow fellow.
Try to remember, and if you remember,
Then follow.

September came in hot and heavy with humidity, but yesterday change was in the air and the weather is much cooler today. The hot temperatures (90s) of the weekend have given way to a cool (low 60s), rainy day. The weary trees and flowers seem relieved, and so am I.

We've only had 1/2" of rain this past month, so today's clouds and showers are very welcome. We're actually getting the remnants of Hurricane Gustav which has been falling apart on its 930 mile journey from New Orleans to Chicago. I was finally able to turn off the central air conditioning yesterday and open the windows wide. It felt very liberating. Sleeping with the windows open is such a treat after weeks of being closed up! We left the French doors in the bedroom open wide last night and woke up to the sound of soft rain on the skylight. I didn't want to get out of bed, it was so peaceful and refreshing in both body and mind.

I should probably say a few words about the political climate, too. The Republicans are in the middle of their convention and they're getting a lot of attention due to McCain choosing a basically unknown woman from Alaska to be his running mate. We made the mistake of watching last night, even though I had said I didn't want to. The bad energy permeates my being and doesn't leave me for hours, but Mike and Chris wanted to have a look just to see what kind of crap they were slinging. I should have gone upstairs.

It's unbelievable to me that anyone thinks this woman is qualified to be the vice president, and therefore (God help us) the president should McCain kick the bucket. They say she's a maverick and a reformer, but all I see is the woman who lives next door to me. For God's sake, you know that if the situation arose where power was required, Hillary Clinton could have chewed the testicles off a man with her teeth. This woman wouldn't SAY the word testicle. She's a proponent of abstinence education rather than teaching teenagers about contraception, and she's also a Creationist. She doesn't want women to have the right to choose, because all life is sacred. Well, unless you're unfortunate enough to be an Iraqi child, or even a poor American child whose parents can't afford health care. At least be consistent! What the fuck?

As a woman (last time I checked), I hate to be so cynical about one of my own, but I have a bad feeling about Sarah Palin. I'll tell you what she brings to mind, and it's not good: I've worked with groups of women before, and I don't care what type of job it is there's always a small group of them who are catty, gossipy, snarky, and willing to stab you in the back for no reason. Shit, it was that way in High School! They are the worst of our kind, and last night as Palin was speaking I recognized her as one of those women. It's best to steer clear of them. They make the rest of us look bad. She also lacks gravitas, which I think is necessary if you're going to hold a position of power. Not just any woman will do. We can do much better. And well, you know, I love Barack, so it really doesn't matter.

Now that I've purged those thoughts from my head...

I'm glad fall is here, or autumn for all you non-Americans:) Yes, we say "autumn" sometimes, but you're more likely to hear "fall". It's my favorite time of year. There's something refreshing and comforting about this season which always feels much more like the beginning of the year than January does, stuck there in the middle of winter like a sore thumb. Like we need another holiday just then!

The radar shows rain stretching far and wide, so I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy it. I've been listening to Pink Moon while writing this post. It's very suitable rainy day music, I think. I'd like to stay in the rest of the day but I have to go out later and face massive amounts of traffic during what is sure to be a rainy rush hour. There's no getting around it, so I'll just take it as it comes. Just like life.

Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Although you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
Without a hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December, it's nice to remember,
The fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December, our hearts should remember
And follow.

Listen to the Music

As a follow-up to yesterday's post about our Presidential candidate's top ten songs, I thought it would be a good idea to share my own. I can't narrow it down to ten, though, and I don't want to get into what my favorite songs of all time are...just what I've been listening to on my iPod lately. Much easier that way! If I can find a suitable video I'll include it. I suppose I choose music based on my mood. Sometimes I want it to lift me, other times I want to relate to the lyrics, and still other times I like to let it take me somewhere else entirely.

Here we go:

Take a Walk, Eddie Vedder and Neil Finn Great concert video, by the way.

Your Love Alone Is Not Enough, Manic Street Preachers/Nina Persson Josh told me about this song and I love it!

From the Morning, Nick Drake A simple yet beautiful song. It truly is one of my top three favorite songs of all time. It resonates with me on a very deep level.

Mysterious Ways, U2 A nice, girly song. What's not to love?

Turn and Run, Neil Finn Great lyrics.

Do You Remember The First Time?, Pulp It's hard to choose a Pulp song because I like all of them. The lyrics are always a bit perverse, yet catchy. This one is great because I love spitting out, "I don't care if you SCREW him" as if I'm right there, singing along with Jarv.

The Story, Brandi Carlile A new favorite.

American Idiot, Green Day

Never Been To Spain, Three Dog Night An oldie but a goodie. Nice homemade video, too.

Little Jeannie, Elton John Just because.

That's all the linking I'm going to do, but here are a few more:

Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley
Rebel, Rebel and Suffragette City, David Bowie
I'm One and Substitute (Live at Leeds version), The Who
London Calling, The Clash
Handbags and Gladrags, Rod Stewart
Picture Book, The Kinks
Cool Change, Little River Band
Dreams, The Cranberries
Brandy, Looking Glass
Superstar, The Carpenters
Better Man, Pearl Jam
Elevation and Beautiful Day, U2
Losing My Religion, REM
Into Temptation, Crowded House


And if I'm honest, there's quite a bit of ABBA on the list, too:)

Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Several newspaper and magazine articles recently revealed the top ten songs on our U.S. Presidential candidate's iPods. Mmmmmhmmmmm. John McCain has an iPod.

I totally believe that Barack has an iPod, and I also believe that John McCain has an iPod...NOW, after his staff ran out and bought him one.

The thing that struck me most about these lists is that McCain's top song is DANCING QUEEN. Are you kidding me? Don't get me wrong! I think it's a great song, but shit... How many old dudes looked at each other after reading that and said, "That's a chick song."

Hey, I know men who like that song just fine, but would they list it as their favorite? I don't think so. They would sooner like you to think their favorite song is Whole Lotta Love or maybe something from the White Album. But Dancing Queen?

And his THIRD favorite song was Take a Chance On Me! OK, I get the little joke, but what were they thinking? (!) McCain does seem to know a little bit about music, though. He was caught singing a song during a campaign stop to the tune of Barbara Ann by The Beach Boys. It went like this: "Bomb, bomb, bomb... bomb, bomb Iran." I wish that were a joke, but it's not. God help us.

Anyway, this is what I thought of when I read of Mr. McCain's love of ABBA songs:

Life on the Avenue (Pt. 2)

I woke up this morning just a bit concerned about something. I'm worried that those of you who don't know me, after reading that last post, will think I'm a bit...how should I say this....mannish, due to my going on about not being in touch with my girly side. Not that there's anything wrong with that!!!

Well, I'm not. At least I don't think I am. I look like a woman. I really do. Of course the only photo of me on this blog shows me wearing running shoes and an Adidas shirt. Hmmmmm. And yes, I'm currently wearing jeans and a ratty old t-shirt. FINE. But my toenails are painted pink and I have earrings on, so I've got that going for me! Besides, it's my attitude that needs the most work.

I shouldn't worry so much. Rock on, Aphrodite.

Life on the Avenue

So here I am on this warm, August afternoon, sitting with my laptop looking out onto the back deck. The flowers are beginning to look as if they're tired of working so hard to be beautiful.

I could talk about lots of things I've been thinking about: 1)The fact that the tighter we hold onto something the more pain it brings us. 2)The amount of energy it takes to try to control everything as if you or your life could ever be perfect. It won't happen, but you can make yourself miserable trying! (Fair play to anyone who wanders down that road.)

And now we come to the subject of passion, and why it scares me so much. Can you be passionate yet in control? Well, yes, I think you can. But how much control is too much? What happens then? Depression? Apathy?

This is complicated for me because I'm beginning to believe...no...I know that I'm a very passionate person who tries extremely hard not to be. I hold myself in check, so much so that I think it can affect me physically. My neck and shoulders tighten up. And I know I've talked about this as far as writing here on the blog is concerned, but in this case I'm referring to life...the big picture.

I'm passionate about things, don't get me wrong. I feel passionate about music, literature, nature... Artsy, creative things. Dogs! Learning about the world. Not so much the logical, linear things, though. There have been times along the way when I've been able to let myself go, and so far the earth has remained in tact. I would even say that I felt myself shine in those moments. I've danced alone in my kitchen, but it's been a while.

If asked, I would say that passion feeds the soul. So why do I deny myself?

I feel very passionate about the people I love. In fact, I struggle there because I don't know when enough is enough. I channel it in ways, such as care-taking, that are hard for me to shut off. I have trouble when it comes to detachment. But that's more about giving than receiving.

Other passions, though, (those just for me) I keep very well contained. So well, in fact, that I'm not sure what they are. I'm thinking about it.

Lastly, I have to say a few words about being a W-O-M-A-N.

Recently, I had a man come up to me in Borders and basically try to pick me up. He wanted me to have "coffee" with him, which, from the way he was looking at me meant "sex". I'm not sure about a lot of things but I feel very safe in saying that. For about 30 seconds I felt flattered, but after that short time all the inner questioning began... "Why did he do that?...Did I look like I was up for it?...Was I giving him some sort of encouragement?...Did he think I looked easy?" I don't think so. I was simply looking at the magazines when he approached. He had brushed past me once before that, probably to see what kind of reaction he would get. We briefly made eye contact. I think I said, "excuse me" or "sorry".

I thought lots of horrible things about myself. WHY? This man was nice looking and he said really nice things about me! (He must have been desperate, right?) Sure, the fact that I'm married didn't exactly discourage him, which pissed me off and made it a little harder to get rid of him, but all in all it should have been a positive experience, shouldn't it? So why could I not just let it be? But I couldn't. I kept telling myself that there were LOTS of REALLY attractive women there that day, so I must have looked like an easy mark. I must have given off a vibe. The only part I enjoyed was when he made some remark about how old he was, thinking he was older than me. He wasn't.

Later, after confessing all of this to Mary, she reached an interesting conclusion: I'm afraid of my femininity. And she's right, I am. She should get paid for that diagnosis since The Wise Man basically confirmed it later on the next week. I'd forgotten that the topic had come up before, after I'd seen a video of myself. I'd not realized that I make these sort of...gestures...with my hands when I talk. GIRLY gestures. I couldn't believe it. I looked very feminine without trying to or intending to. It felt unfamiliar to me when I saw it because I don't acknowledge that side of myself very often.

So to sum up: I fear my own feminine nature AND I fear passion. Not totally, but I do my best to keep it all under strict control. Care-taking, which I'm overly fond of and the reason I get myself into such emotional quagmires, is a very feminine thing. But that's not the part of my femininity I'm talking about. It's all about being comfortable with...being a woman. I'm not sure how to say it, actually, but if you mix the femininity with a good dose of passion it scares the shit out of me.

When I was in my early teens my parents began treating me differently, like I was a sexual time bomb. I didn't understand that then, but I do now. On occasion, they would send my older brothers to collect me from wherever I'd gone with my friends to have fun, fearing a boy would bring me home, I guess. That's probably when I began to feel like I could just BLOW UP at any moment. My parents obviously loved me, but their attitude toward me only confirmed the negative feelings I began having about myself. I don't remember any sort of positive reinforcement, just a feeling of fear. Sure, I went on to mess up. It was inevitable, right? But it freed me, too. Not enough, it would seem.

What's holding me back now? What am I so afraid of? Do I fear the judgement of other people? I think I know who I am.

What makes me so very sad is that I also know that I could BE and DO and FEEL so much more. I believe that with all my heart. If only I wasn't so afraid of myself.

For the love of God, please don't think I'm looking to pick up men in Borders! I'm not. I just want it to be OK that a man finds me attractive. I want to feel good about that. What I don't want is to feel vulnerable. I'm so tired of feeling vulnerable.

I want to live passionately... without fear of spontaneous combustion. I'm feeling a very definite urgency to let go. Just let go.

I've built so many walls. I'm not sure who I thought I was protecting.